Week One, Day 6

Somehow I have my days mixed up which is irritating. Next week, I am just going to do Week 2 and no days. I can't keep up. Currently, my neck hurts in just one spot which made me think of Michigan. Do I have a transmitter in my neck? Are they getting ready to set a bomb off in my neck? Who knows? I would ask him but that means going back to the mental hospital and I think not.

Yesterday was a good day. I was shaky all day. I feel so much pressure to get my life back together and I just don't know how. I don't know what I should be doing if anything. Honestly, I feel like I should take this time to rest and really mourn my losses in my life. I never have. I have just barrelled ahead so maybe it is time to mourn-my husband, my orginal family, my dreams of a future that won't exist. I think of the Bible verse "Be still and know I am God" (rough paraphase there) alot. I can't be still. Stillness requires me to feel and to think and that is too much.

I admire people that can just sit. I have never been able to do that. Just sit with your thoughts? To me, that is hell. I will read pamphlets about Scientology before I can just sit and be with myself. Maybe that is telling. When you can't spend time with yourself, how can you expect others too? When you don't know yourself, how can expect others to know you? When you don't know your own needs, how can you expect others to meet them for you? Or meet them yourselves?

So, I really want to spend this time learning about myself. People tell me I am interesting, funny, smart, creative and caring. I realize I am interesting-mental hospital, death of a husband-but I don't know about the rest. I don't feel particularly caring since I almost left my kids orphans. Am I creative or insane? Am I funny or is it just an act? Am I smart? Well, yeah. Book smart. I have the common sense of a deer jumping in front of a car, though.

I am going away this weekend. And I am going to rest. I am not going to think about the attempt. I am going to try to not talk about it. Just rest and be and be and rest. It is very appealing. I feel like I have been on this mad run away train and it won't stop. Well, I am jumping off this weekend.

See you on Week 2...