Week 2

It has been a really rough week. I don't want to take my meds because I feel like they make me eat more. I feel so out of control that I would to control one thing...my weight. So, I have taken them very intermittently which obviously does not work. In other words, I am being destructive. Again.

I know I am spinning out of control again and part of that is just being overwhelmed. I am not suicidal. I don't feel totally bleak but I am despondent. I have all these thoughts just racing through my head and, when I give voice to them, they are insane. I worry that, if I don't get my shit, together then people will desert me. They will realize I am damaged goods and fucked up beyond measure. Of course, my deepest fear is rejection so it furthers my anxiety. And the vicious cycle continues.

On the good news side, even in the rough economy, I have had four jobs offer. Two for tutoring and two for writing. I turned down one writing job and still exploring the other one. With the tutoring ones, I am waiting on further details. They are quite lucrative so it might be good. It is also not a full time job.

I am still panicked about it. I keep thinking I need to have a plan for the future and I have no plan. I always have a plan. It is one of my coping mechanisms. Now, there is nothing. Just a big, empty void in my future. Part of me feels I can't rush stuff and part of me feels the void is scary. It must be filled. It has to be filled because, if it is not, then I will have to feel. I will have to face my fear of rejection and fear of failure. I will have to deal. I can't do that so I need to fill the void.

So, I am panicked about:
1. Gaining weight
2. Rejection of my friends and family because I am not snapping out of this
3. Being depressed and suicidal
4. Working
5. Going to church*
6. Lack of plans in the future
7. My medications
8. Children's therapy session tomorrow
9. Lack of contact with my in-laws. Am I obligated to call them? Am I a bad parent for not keeping up the contact with the children and the in-laws? Is it my responsibility? Does it make me a bad care-giver to Devin's legacy to not call his parents? Couldn't they call me?
10. My constant need to sleep. I want to be energetic and lively. I want to be back to normal. I am just a pale shadow of myself. And I am not sure how much Law and Order and Lie to Me a person can watch.
11. This is painful to admit...but I am terrified that, if I feel suicidal again, I have no options. I have no pills to take. I can't cut myself. I am incapable of bringing myself pain (strange, I know, because I did try to destroy myself). So, I am stuck. It is good to not have options regarding suicide but scary too. I have never taken it off the table. It is always my go-to when life becomes overwhelming. A world where it is not a go-to is a terribly horribly scary place. And it is my world now. Permanently.

I just talked to my sister. Why do I do this to myself? Do I just enjoy adding stress to myself? She wanted to go over all the gory details of the suicide and then probe what I expected Mom's reaction to be. Well, actually, bitch, her reaction is what I expected. She shut down. Then, she ignored me when I tried to talk about it. Then, she sought support from church while invading my privacy. Then, she decided it was all her fault. Then, she decided she would try to be supportive while also being critical at the same time.

Hell, while we are on it, my sister's reaction was obvious too. It is all about her. Her kids are sad because Aunt Abby fucked up. She is angry because I blamed Mom for part of my problems. Dad helped me and not her. Decisions were made to not contact Mom and her (they were on a cruise) while I was in the hospital. We left them out. And she is angry with me. Evidently, she was hysterical when she heard because she thought I was dead. Eye roll. I read the email Dad sent her. Nothing about death. And people say I am a drama queen.

So, there we are talking (actually, she fussing at me) when she yells out "shit!" and tells me she has to call me back. She won't. I don't know why I even bother. Really.

But, hey, I am not tired or sad right now. She pissed me off so now I am angry. And I feel kinda alive. Excellent.

Maybe I should put her on speed dial.

Oh, she just called back. Joy to the world, babe. Now she is complaining about the dog I gave her. Oh growl again.


*Mom and I are in huge conflict about church. I agreed to go Sunday to a dear friend. Church freaks me out, though. I know Mom told people and I can just see their looks of pity. I hate pity. The church secretary came out and hugged me tight the last time I was there. Mom told her. They are in the same Sunday School together. I feel lke my privacy is violated and I specifically asked Mom not to say a word about me. I wanted it to be framed as a relative. My sister said that was selfish. Mom needs support. Bite me. I am not going to feel guilty for requesting my privacy be protected in a small town. Growl.

Church for Mom brings great comfort and solace. She attends literally three times a week. To me, it brings great stress and anxiety. She wants to help me and she just knows attending church will help. Jesus in my heart will make me happy! I will feel his peaceful wisdom on my soul and the depression will leave. Everything will be right again in the world. Who cares that it has not been right for years now? Sigh. So, I am disappointing her by not going but I don't need the stress right now. My whole family are church goers so they don't get my opt-out. They think I am just being over intelluctal and difficult. And they lay the guilt on by saying the kids need religion. They need church and I am letting them be heathens. I finally told them they can take them if it is that important. Dead silence.