My sister

I have one sister and we have a complicated relationship that is full of envy, rage, resentment, and love. We need each other but we also despise each other. She reacts in anger to any given situation while I take it inward. She pretends things don't happen and I try to talk about them. I get therapy. She prays and goes to church. We are very different people. To be honest, most of the time, I don't even like her. If she weren't my sister, we would never be friends.

I am not a blameless victim. I pick at her. I know her insecurities and I delight in bringing them to light at times. Sometimes, I twist the knife just out being bored or just because I can. I am a bitch to her and she is a bitch to me. Then we make up and pretend we were never mean to each other.

She is under immense stress right now. Her husband, frankly, is a loser. Big time, fucking worthless human being. I have never liked him. He is judgemental, humorless, emotionally abusive and controlling. We, of course, never discuss this. She married him because she thought she would get security. He was older, had a MBA and a corporate job heading upwards. Perfect.

Then, my husband died. They came down "to support me" but it was to witness to my husband so he didn't face death without the love of Jesus. I almost kicked them out. Seriously. And didn't talk to her for a year. In that year, my brother-in-law quit his job because he realized life was too short to work for a corporate master. My husband had taught him that. Bastard used my husband's death to quit work. Words can't express my thoughts.

He decided to sell real estate. Hahhhaaahhhaaa...Mr. Personality can't even make friends. He was going to sell real estate on the computer. There was no talk of joining the rotatary, real estate organizations, networking. Just sell it on the computer.

Flash forward to now. They are teetering on the edge of bankruptcy. My sister has tried to work but he makes her life miserable so she quits. They homeschool but actually the kids work during the day. After three years of not selling houses, he got a job at Target. Provider, he is not. He is not stressed about it. Jesus will provide. Meanwhile, I talk to my sister and she starts crying. She tells me it is just a cold but one can tell. My heart aches for her and I am also frustrated because why does she stay? Security? Scared? Loyalty? I truly don't get it.

With all that background, we talked last night. It was a vicious conversation on her side and destroyed me in alot of ways. I was ready to kill myself again after talking to her. Logically, she has issues. Big ones. Logically, she is hurting about my suicide and she reacts out of anger. But, what she said was so vicious, so mean that it brought me to my knees.

She said I was fucked up because my father left when I was thirteen. That he was here for me now but she knows he will leave again. I am setting myself up for failure by depending on him and I have to realize that. My father can't even be there for my kids and the only male example in their life is a homosexual couple across the street. Dad was a motherfucker that had no feelings and no love for anyone and he caused my suicide attempt.

OK. Wow. I do have problems (obviously) and many of them stem from my relationship with my father. Not all of them, though. I have plenty of reasons I am suicidally depressed-genetics, coping mechanisms, perfectionism, family dynamics etc. And, strangely, since the suicide attempt, my father and I have healed. The resentment I felt has faded. The past has been healed. We already had been working on it and something just clicked for me when I woke up and he was staring at me in the hospital room, tears on his face. He loves me. I never should of doubted it.

Then, she continued in a bizarre conversation that I will remembe to my dying day. She started saying she stayed with her husband because they need a male influence. If they don't have a male influence, then they wil end up fucked up like me. I am devastated. She is staying with her husband because she doesn't want her children to end up like me. I really don't need that guilt. And I don't think I am that bad, really. She kept talking while I plotted going to WalMart and buying a straight edge to finish the job I started with the OD. My own sister doesn't want her kids to end up like me. She stays with an asshole because of me. Her life is miserable because of me.

The boyfriend and I had a date last night and we talked at length about the whole situation. He said I took the whole conversation wrong. She was actually saying she couldn't divorce her husband because then Dad would be the kids only male influence. She was actually talking about Dad not me.

Maybe. Bottom line: In the light of day, my sister may possibly be even more fucked up than I am. I am dealing or trying to deal while she blames other people and pushes down her feelings. It is going to be a tremendous fall one day.

In the course of this conversation, she also yelled at me for being upset and said the girls thought I did it because I was jealous of the cruise with Mom. I didn't want them to spend time with Mom. I hate to burst their bubble but I really didn't even think of them when I did this. She then said she hopes the youngest doesn't suffer from my problems and hopes church therapy really helps her. THe youngest has already started cutting but my sister has decided it is just clumsy shaving. Ah, the joys of a family that does not deal with issues.

Needless to say, after spending the night crying at a bar, I am not talking to her again any time soon. I can't. She really pushed my buttons. I can't for the sake of healing. And peace in my soul.

I didn't tell my sister, never will but my suicide note said: Tell my sister I am sorry I ruined her time with Mom. Again. Also tell her to divorce her asshole husband. He doesn't do anything but beat off to porn on his computer all day. OK, don't tell her that.

Good thing she has never read it. I stand by it, though.