It was OK. I tried to talking to my sister again and that was a bad mistake. She started in about how I took her words out of context and I just said, "red popsicle stick." See, I thought we should have crafts in the mental ward and make popsicle sticks painted red and green (see, my educational background has come in useuful). When I can't talk about something, I can hold up a red popsicle stick. When I want to talk about it, green popsicle stick. Brilliance! So, my sister is just one big red popsicle stick. Perhaps I could just make a giant stop sign out of pipecleaners and glitter just for her.
Anyway, I just told her to stop talking and it really helped. I also completely avoided Thanksgiving activities. I had to give up my no lying pledge to get out of it-Mom thought I was with a friend but it was totally worth it. I sat on the couch, ate nachos and watched 24. It was great. I dozed. I stayed in my PJs. It was wonderful. So, I feel like I am gaining more control.
I keep feeling flashes of anger and resentment. Eventually, I will probably need to vocalize them but I don't really want to. I feel like I have caused so much anguish and so much pain to my loved ones that I don't deserve to be angry with them. I am mainly very angry with my sister, with Devin, with my boyfriend and my mother. But, my boyfriend has been so supportive and so loving that I can't be too mad. I am very fortunate to be loved so much. And to be able to love someone else again after Devin.
Anyway, all in all, it was a good week. I still am having fits of anxiety and I was very teary and very upset yesterday but I got over it with no self-destructive behavior!
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