Today was an awesome day. Yes, read that again. Awesome. I had a lovely night with The Boyfriend, great conversation with my friend Kira and did not feel responsible for my mother's feelings.
I am also baking up a storm. This is scary but I am not a great baker. I enjoy cooking but desserts always get me. Today, I decided to make Christmas cookies. I cheated and got the store bought sugar cookies. Then, I got Christmas cookie cutters, wax paper and a rolling pin. First problem. I couldn't tell what the cookie cutters were. Alex patiently explained that I was not looking at a snowman because snowmen don't have feet. It was a gingerbread man. Then, he lost his patience when I thought Santa's sleigh was a deformed dove. This really should have been my sign that I was not cut out to make decorative, cute cookies. I had dreams of ornaments with white and pink icing, christmas trees with cinnamon dots as ornaments and santa all perfectly red and white. I got giant blobs of nothingness. I did manage one Christmas tree and one gingerbread man. He, though, suffered a tragic amputation when taken off the cookie pan. I also blinded my huge ass Santa Claus with the M and M eyes. That is OK because tomorrow I am doing it again. I have three packages of cookies and all the time in the world to perfect it. So there all you Martha Stewart types.
I also cooked brownies with M and M "I Love You" written across it and a quiche. I am contemplating strawberry cake cup cakes with cream cheese icing and sprinkles. I am still trying to lose weight so I can eat none of it (well, three sugar cookies). I would like to make cake pops too but they require dowels and edible pens. That seems high tech. Bakerella had really cute reindeer pops but mine will never be that cute. They had pretzels as ears and little dots for noses. Ruldoph has a cinnamon dot. I think mine will be the reject reindeers in the back of the reindeer barn.
So, anyway, if you want strawberry cupcakes or deformed Christmas cookies or brownies, just comment or email. Cooking is relieving stress and I am just cooking away when I have time. I have fixed chili and made chili pie. Kids did not like. I loved. I also made Chicken Tortilla soup. Kids disliked. I loved. I am considering meatloaf even though I have bad memories of it from childhood. Also, maybe caramel pie or pecan pie. I am trying to fix stuff I have never fixed before. I almost got brave and thought about cookies from scratch but I am not a masochist. So frustrating and irritating. I tried once and had such a goopy mess that I had nightmares that night about a blob attacking me. Of course, the cat was sleeping with me too.
So, let's hope between cooking and writing and therapy that I keep getting better and things keep improving. I have been told by my lovely kick-ass therapist that I must stop running away and must verbalize my feelings. I can't write about them. I have to verbalize and use words. Oh ouch! That is why she is kick-ass--very direct. Very funny. Very sensitive. I like that. I have a friend that has agreed to listen to my verbalizations of my overwhelmedness and a back up friend. The whole situation is ironic to me because I constantly tell Z to use his words but now I do too.
The boys have therapy in the morning. I hope it goes well. A wrote me a note that said that when Z and I argued with each other, it messed up his life. Poor child, his life is going be messed up. Z is fourteen. We are going to fight. And I am not responsible for A's feelings. I don't even need to call my overwhelmedness partner to know that. He is responsible for his own.
Progress.
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