Week 3

I had the flu this weekend and felt just horrible. Shaking, chills, vomiting. The works. Huge headache. And it was weird. When I finally felt better, I felt better mentally too. Why make yourself feel like shit when the flu can do it for you?

Today is the first day I have felt better mentally. I almost feel like myself again. I cleaned the house and have plans for tomorrow. I have actually talked to people about my problems and taken their support with great appreciation. I have decided not to talk to my sister right now and have been honest. It is huge. Absolutely huge for me.

I decided not to take a tutoring job. I am just not ready. Generally, that means lying to everyone around me so I don't disappoint anyone. Instead, I was honest and said I was not ready. No one rejected me. No one told me they thought I was a loser. No one hated me. Wow. Acceptance and honesty. Maybe my landscape is finally changing.

I am having difficulty about Thanksgiving. No one wants to leave me alone but I want to be alone. I don't want to pretend my life is normal when it isn't. I don't want to socialize when I can barely function.  Most of all, I just don't want to be near extended family.

I have been feeling flashes of anger toward people. I think that is good. Depression is anger turned inward according to every therapist I have been to. I am not expressing the anger. It is not really deserved anger but at least I am acknowledging it. All good.

I have decided I am going to make depression T-Shirts:
1. I'm Anxiety's bitch
2. No, really I do have therapy three times a week
3. I am a failure at suicide...and that's a good thing
4. Need a mental illness..I've been diagnosed with three!

Goals for this week:
1. I am working on a superhero story..Must plot and write, write, write
2. Call about writing job
3. Avoid Christmas displays
4. No talking to my sister
5. Figure out Thanksgiving
6. Birthday shopping
7. Meds regularly