William Stryon Quote about Depression

The pain grew and grew and I began to experience suicidal thoughts. I realized that life for me was at desperate impasse. I thought of the garage as a place where I might sit in the car and inhale carbon monoxide. I'd look at the rafters in the attic and think of them as places where I might hang myself. I looked at sharp objects as being implements for my wrist.
William Stryon on Suicide and Depression

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I'm stressing out..and everything is going so well

Why am I stressed? Things are going so well so now I am quite worried that the floor will drop out and I will be devastated again. Isn't that sick? I even know it is sick and now my thoughts stress me out too! But I do know it is irrational and that is a good sign.

So things I am stressed about:
1. Therapy
2. Flat tire
3. Money
4. Applying for schools
5. GRE
6. Raising a teenager
7. Blackjack interacting with Alex
8. Being tired all the time
9. My weight
10. Answering the question what do you do all day? With the undertone of-you should be working or doing something-I immediately start feeling guilty.
11. Not having a plan. I feel like I should have a plan.

A list of 11 is pretty good! It is usually 200 or so...

Thursday, February 3, 2011


I am not going back to teaching full-time in the fall. I might sub and I might go back eventually but I just don't have any desire to teach at this point. When I was in college the first time, I was totally paralyzed about my future. I was interested in English, History and Religion. I did not, though, want to be a teacher, a lawyer or a minister. Where did that leave me?

When I went back to school, I was a widow with two children to support. I did what I felt was the grown-up thing to do and got a teaching degree in English and History and hoped I would enjoy it. I had always planned to teach for five years then go back to school for history. I have discovered, though, that I just can't do it. I still struggle with the fact that I might not be doing what is right for the kids but I think seeing me further my education and explore my career options will be good for them. Also, frankly, I have thirty-five more years of working and ten more years of them in the house. My wants and desires matters at some point. And this is my point.

I liked teaching but I don't think I was particularly good at high school, full-time teaching. I am not organized enough, not strict enough and not focused enough. I struggled with the pressure of the fitting everything in an semester and struggled with trying to do a great job because the kids deserve it. So, I might return again for it or I might not. Who knows?

I have already gotten strange looks when I say I don't know what I will do with a history graduate degree with an emphasis in Religion. I always have the teaching degree to fall back on and I just kinda think I don't need to know. I just need to do. I have always lived with a goal in mind and a planned future. I am done with that. It just creates more pressure. So, I am just going for the quest of knowledge and because I love history.

The future scares the hell out of me. But I have hope and I have loose plans. It will be fine.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

How much is that doggy in the window?

Rick expressed a childhood desire to own a puppy that he has never fulfilled. Instead of listening like a wise girlfriend, nodding and letting it go, I took his desire and ran with it. As usual, my impulsive behavior had ramifications and ripples that I did not even consider. His desire for a puppy meant he was opening his heart, he was ready to commit to something and he might even, one day, commit to me. In other words, it became less about the dog and became All About Me.

I called around and found a bassett hound puppy. I told him and Rick agreed to look at it. The puppy, named Amos,  was absolutely adorable.

I was determined not to get attached. I mean, Rick was not going through with it. He would find an excuse to not to purchase it. Rick looked at Amos-Amos looked at him and it was love at first sight. I started to feel hope. Then, I picked Amos up. He laid his head on my shoulder and his big ole ears flew out and I fell in love. I immediately had images of putting UT sweaters on him and walking him and stroking his ears. I pictured BlackJack bullying him and Amos sitting on him. Rick said he would come back on Sunday. I felt good. Really good. He even discussed names in the car. He worried if Amos was retarded. All good signs.

Then, Saturday, he said he forgot to even consider getting a dog. Uh-oh. Sunday, he decided Amos was too big (and look at him-he is a chunk and a half) and it would not work. I called the breeder then cried for an hour. I felt like, by rejecting Amos, he was rejecting me. He couldn't even love a dog. How could he love me? Ever commit to me fully?

Rick agreed to keep looking. Next, we looked at Corgis. Same pattern. I was shocked I liked the Corgis better than Bassett Hounds but I did. I picked up a puppy and thought it was sweet. I didn't like it as much as Amos but the Corgi pup was far more practical. It was also more lively and better looking. I imagined Blackjack and Corgi herding each other and playing with each other. I imagined the puppy at Rick's feet and walking with him.

Rick thought about it for forty-eight hours then rejected it.

I am disappointed. I am sad. It has become bigger than owning a puppy and I am trying to keep it in perspective. I just keep thinking, "if he can't commit to a dog-a dog he obviously wants-how will he ever commit to me?" But, it is not fair to pressure him in such a way.

Also, my dogs bring such joy in my life. I adore Blackjack. When I am at my blackest, just playing with him helps my soul. Walking him has helped bring me back into the world and being with him gives me something to focus on besides myself. There is just something special about a connection between a dog and a human and I want Rick to experience that type of love, loyalty and joy. I want him to experience the happiness a dog feels when his owner comes home, the delight in watching your dog play in the snow or bark at a leaf, the proud feeling when your dog sits for the first time at command. I just want a dog to help him with some of his wounds and help him begin healing like Blackjack does for me.

Notice all the "I wants..." I am so narcassitic at the core. I need to care about Rick wants.

So I am stepping back. I am going to quit pressuring, quit nagging, quit trying to force him into a decision. If Rick wants a puppy, he will get it. He doesn't need my help. He can find a breeder, he can do research, he can pick it up. I just can't any more. Everytime I see him with a puppy, I see the child that wanted a puppy and could never have one and my heart just breaks. It is up to Rick to decide how to reconcile that child with the adult. Not me. I can't fix it. And I should quit trying.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

January is almost over...

January has been a very hard month. My children have not gone a full week of school since December and we have all had the flu. It has been cold, dark, dank and cold. I love snow but by the third round I was over it. I am done being romantic about snow. I need my children in school. I need to be on a schedule. I need the house to myself for even an hour.

This week it is suppose to snow Wednesday. I would sacrifice a squirrel to prevent this from happening. I would really like warm weather-maybe a hint of spring but apparently mother nature hates me. Or us.

The one thing that has kept me from going insane is this:

And my anti-depressant. I have discovered I need my anti depressant to function even somewhat normally.

I did achieve one goal. I have a date to take my GRE. Now I have to apply for my FASA. I'm waiting for my PIN to be authorized.

Monday, January 24, 2011

I am such a bad blogger

My therapist suggested I find better coping mechanisms then writing. Apparently, writing is too much a fall-back. Of course, this was the therapist that quit me so I am going to ignore her advice.

My goal for this month is to prepare for the GRE, apply for graduate school and apply for my FASA. I am going to graduate school for a graduate degree in religious history. No, I have no clue what I will do with it and it is scary but wonderful. One of my major problems in my first round of college was I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Guess what one of my major problems is now? Yep. I am still at a loss. I was always interested in English, religion and history but I did not want to teach, be a minister, or be a lawyer. So, I am going to do it as a quest in knowledge and quit fretting. I have not told anyone-just my mother who was strangely supportive. My father will freak.

I am enjoying being home. Blackjack and I walk about a mile and a half a day. I volunteer, sprodiacally write and think of business ideas. Right now, I have not been alone much since the kids either have snow days or the flu. Tis awful. Very awful.

I will try to write more regularly. I am starting to have panic attacks again and it is making me nervous. I also have accepted that I have really odd sleep patterns and always have. In the morning, I am very sluggish and right now-9:00 at night-I am wide awake and raring to go. I am going to quit fretting about it. It is OK to sleep differently than other people. I am home and I can sleep however I want right now.

If I have never said thank you to you guys, well....thank you. I have gone from wanting to end my life to actually wanting to live it. I can't imagine depriving you guys of my fab presence!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Hunger Games

I finished The Hunger Games today. The last one, which got some violently bad reviews (but a great one from one of my readers!), really spoke to me. I have never been in war or had to kill anyone but her breakdown was very realistic to me. A human's brain and body can only handle so much. So the thought that she simply shut down and was numb for much of the book really spoke to me.

Today, I felt like a deflated balloon. Therapy yesterday took a lot out of me. She hit some sore spots and I spent some of the session crying. Today, I watched TV then I watched the snow then I watched Blackjack play with his ducky. I spent the majority of the day numb to the world. Taking out Blackjack was the most contact I had with the outside world and I really enjoyed it.

My therapist says I am very alone and guarded. I keep myself isolated as a protective measure. I know I do not have many friends and I do not go out very much. I do think the relationships I have outside my family are deep and strong and emotional. I do not have many because friendships are hard work and I don't need many friends. The ones I have, though, are wonderful.

I don't like to think I am alone, though. What is alone? I connect to people every day--children and life force those things. Do people talk to their friends every day? Do they go out every weekend? Or do we keep ourselves from isolation through our family units and work (and facebook?) I don't know. I believe I should have asked for clarity. It has bothered me. I don't like to think I am a hermit like the unabomber--soon to be hairy and living in a 300 square foor cabin. I won't survive. I also like to think I am friendly and in the world. Maybe, realistically, I am not.

While I related The Hunger Games triology back to me, I will say it is a really great book. It is realistic (in a sci-fi way), powerful and gut-wrenching. I love that it starts out as a romance and quickly becomes a fight for survival-survival of a society and survival of self. Romance no longer matters. Feelings become squashed through trauma. People die. Decisions have to be made. Loss becomes a way of life. The direction it took was totally a surprise and completely understandable after thinking about it for a couple of hours. This triology will stick with me.

Read it.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

It's 2011, bitches

I know this year will be better. If it is not, I just might kill myself. Kidding but too soon, I'm sure. Let's see, this year will be better if:
1. I don't get my passport taken away in a foreign country
2. I don't have a suicide attempt
3. We don't have a flood
4. I don't break my foot
5. I don't go to a mental hospital

I think those goals are doable. Well, the flood is beyond my control.

It is certainly starting out fairly good. We have a new adorable puppy named Blackjack. He is so cute and he was the hit of Pet Smart today. I had an employee say he was the best behaved puppy she had ever seen and asked how I taught him to sit when he gets petted. I acted like I did but he just does it naturally.

He has been helping the household immeasurably. Mom has fallen in love and walks him quite a lot. Zak comes out of his room to play with him and Alex runs with him (actually, he is herded by the puppy). I take him out to play ball and walk and potty. He is making me go outside and exercise which is great. 

He is an minature Australian Sheperd so he is a ball of energy. Good thing the boys are balls of energy. We wore him out today and he fell asleep in the car today. I am going to put him in agility training when he gets older so we can release some of that energy. It will also give me something to learn and meet new people. Of course, now he is chewing the keyboard and trying to catch my hand so I am not bragging on him anymore.

I am now a professional therapy patient. I am greatly loved because my mother and my boyfriend (I realize calling him The Boyfriend sets up distance from him) because they have agreed to go to therapy with me. So, I go once a week to a professional pyschologist, once a week to a church therapist, once a week with my boyfriend and once a week with my mother. The pyschologist also wants to see the kids and I together. Who has time to work? I have gone from never talking about my feelings to talking about my feelings all the damn time. I need to start creating family members to talk about because the therapists are going to get bored of mine!

Here is my New Year's prediction: Since birds are falling out of the sky and fish are dying, I predict zombies are next. Blackjack will save the boys and I! My boyfriend already told me that I live on the wrong side of the city to save. That's OK. We can save ourselves.