I finished The Hunger Games today. The last one, which got some violently bad reviews (but a great one from one of my readers!), really spoke to me. I have never been in war or had to kill anyone but her breakdown was very realistic to me. A human's brain and body can only handle so much. So the thought that she simply shut down and was numb for much of the book really spoke to me.
Today, I felt like a deflated balloon. Therapy yesterday took a lot out of me. She hit some sore spots and I spent some of the session crying. Today, I watched TV then I watched the snow then I watched Blackjack play with his ducky. I spent the majority of the day numb to the world. Taking out Blackjack was the most contact I had with the outside world and I really enjoyed it.
My therapist says I am very alone and guarded. I keep myself isolated as a protective measure. I know I do not have many friends and I do not go out very much. I do think the relationships I have outside my family are deep and strong and emotional. I do not have many because friendships are hard work and I don't need many friends. The ones I have, though, are wonderful.
I don't like to think I am alone, though. What is alone? I connect to people every day--children and life force those things. Do people talk to their friends every day? Do they go out every weekend? Or do we keep ourselves from isolation through our family units and work (and facebook?) I don't know. I believe I should have asked for clarity. It has bothered me. I don't like to think I am a hermit like the unabomber--soon to be hairy and living in a 300 square foor cabin. I won't survive. I also like to think I am friendly and in the world. Maybe, realistically, I am not.
While I related The Hunger Games triology back to me, I will say it is a really great book. It is realistic (in a sci-fi way), powerful and gut-wrenching. I love that it starts out as a romance and quickly becomes a fight for survival-survival of a society and survival of self. Romance no longer matters. Feelings become squashed through trauma. People die. Decisions have to be made. Loss becomes a way of life. The direction it took was totally a surprise and completely understandable after thinking about it for a couple of hours. This triology will stick with me.
Read it.
I think if you took work out of the equation you would find that I am very isolated. I never leave my house, and rarely make time to go out with friends. During the two week break from school I was home almost every night. But, the major difference is, I do have contact with the human world on a semi-daily basis because of work. That keeps me from being the creepy lady in the house. In the summer when we have Elyissa she forces me to interact with the world. You can't force a 5 year old to stay inside constantly - so I venture outside. But left to my own devices? Psh. I sit on the couch. It has a fairly decent butt print.
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