Teaching

I am not going back to teaching full-time in the fall. I might sub and I might go back eventually but I just don't have any desire to teach at this point. When I was in college the first time, I was totally paralyzed about my future. I was interested in English, History and Religion. I did not, though, want to be a teacher, a lawyer or a minister. Where did that leave me?

When I went back to school, I was a widow with two children to support. I did what I felt was the grown-up thing to do and got a teaching degree in English and History and hoped I would enjoy it. I had always planned to teach for five years then go back to school for history. I have discovered, though, that I just can't do it. I still struggle with the fact that I might not be doing what is right for the kids but I think seeing me further my education and explore my career options will be good for them. Also, frankly, I have thirty-five more years of working and ten more years of them in the house. My wants and desires matters at some point. And this is my point.

I liked teaching but I don't think I was particularly good at high school, full-time teaching. I am not organized enough, not strict enough and not focused enough. I struggled with the pressure of the fitting everything in an semester and struggled with trying to do a great job because the kids deserve it. So, I might return again for it or I might not. Who knows?

I have already gotten strange looks when I say I don't know what I will do with a history graduate degree with an emphasis in Religion. I always have the teaching degree to fall back on and I just kinda think I don't need to know. I just need to do. I have always lived with a goal in mind and a planned future. I am done with that. It just creates more pressure. So, I am just going for the quest of knowledge and because I love history.

The future scares the hell out of me. But I have hope and I have loose plans. It will be fine.