William Stryon Quote about Depression

The pain grew and grew and I began to experience suicidal thoughts. I realized that life for me was at desperate impasse. I thought of the garage as a place where I might sit in the car and inhale carbon monoxide. I'd look at the rafters in the attic and think of them as places where I might hang myself. I looked at sharp objects as being implements for my wrist.
William Stryon on Suicide and Depression

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Today, Dec. 7th

I believe I am a 24 addict. I am now on Season 7 and it is so good and intense. I stay up until 2 or so watching it then I am so tired the next morning. It doesn't help my sleep but, at least, I am not up worrying about me. I am worrying about Jack Bauer.

I talked to one of my old therapists tonight. It was really nice she called me. I had called her before the suicide attempt trying to reach out for help but she was moving. I had worked with her intensely for two years and really liked her but then she moved practices. I told her what had happened and explained my medication and my exhaustion. She said the meds might be causing the exhaustion and that she did not agree with the borderline personality disorder or the bipolar diagnosis either. She felt my main problems were anxiety and unresolved grief. Since this is what my new therapist believes, I feel I am on the right track.

I have an appt in two weeks to discuss my meds. I am so tired of being exhausted all the time. It is not like a tired you can push through but a I can barely keep my eyes open exhaustion. Like bone-tired haven't slept in two days exhaustion. It is a side effect of depression to sleep alot but this is a new one. I was actually sleeping great before the suicide attempt which is weird.

Anyway, I am freezing, cold and sniffly. I hate this weather. I was hoping to go somewhere warm for Christmas but no such luck. I'll settle with going somewhere at this point. I just don't want to deal with the stress of dealing with my family. Did you hear that voice just now? That was my therapist saying "You are running away, Kristi." Yep and it's self-preservation. Christmas is insane. I have to do Christmas with Mom, Christmas with my aunt, Christmas with my father-in-law, Christams with my Mother-in-law and Christmas with the whole Galligan family. It is way too much Christmas and I feel powerless to put my foot down with the in-laws. They deserve to see the grandkids but it is me running around like a headless chicken trying to please everyone. So, I just want out. It is like the mafia, though. You think you have set a boundary then one of the in-laws says, "They are my last memory of Devin" and I am sucked right back in.

There's a therapy discussion. Totally.
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