I had an emotional discussion with my mother at our therapy session. The bottom line is that she can't talk about her feelings and she can't support me the way I need to be supported. She feels it is my problem to deal with and she doesn't want to wake up at 2 AM to talk to me when I am stressed out. Now, if this was repeated to her, she would say that I totally misunderstood her and take everything out of context. Thank God for the therapy session so I don't think I am insane.
This was on Friday. She still has not talked to me about it since I told her I simply can't live with her and recover from this deep depression. It is a toxic living arrangement and I can't keep worrying about her mood and her feelings on top of mine. The easy solution is to not worry about her. Right. I have spent 35 years reading her moods. I don't know how to stop.
I did go on a job interview. I have not heard anything. I am really relieved. I don't know if I am ready but I do have goals and plans which is more than I had in October. I am starting to feel more focused and more in tune with the world.
I am sleeping all the time. Major sign of depression. I literally have to fight to stay awake and I don't like it one bit. Last night I was up until 2 AM and woke up at 5 AM then again at 7: 30 to take the kids to school. I fell asleep again at 9 and slept until 11. It is killing me. I just want one night of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep and I don't know if I ever will get it.
So, things are progressing. I am no longer suicidal but still anxiety-ridden and depressed. That is good. I feel bad for A because he worries like me. I have to address that with his therapist. I hate to see him tie himself in knots like I do. But, he does talk to me about it. Progress.
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