Panic Attacks

I am starting to see a trend in my panic attacks. I have them at night. I am in the middle of a slight one right now. I guess I start thinking about my day and the next day and it gets me all riled up and there you go. Panic attack. I probably need to buy some reflective gear and start running. The therapist said I have to start talking to people or running to make sure I cope better. No writing. Of course, what am I doing right now? Writing.

I am going to the therapist tomorrow. Banner week for me-four therapy appointments but I have had a level mood this week. I have also felt more able to cope. We are going to discuss the job situation. I really don't know if I am ready. I feel our family is quick to push down emotions and lose ourselves in something else. Is working my way of pushing down emotions? Will it cause me more anxiety? Or will it give me some direction and help me rebuild my life.

I really wanted my life to change when I came back from the UAE. I have felt that it hasn't. Even the suicide attempt did not really change it. I am dating the same person, living in the same place and working the same job. On the other hand, though, my father and I have a deeper relationship. We also talk more. I am starting to draw boundaries. I am working on the living situation and I will be changing to middle school if I decide to take the interim. I also have plans to return to school and try to get out of the classroom and more into a support role. So, things are changing but slowly.

I have not heard from the job yet and part of me is very relieved. I was up all night worrying about it. Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? Is one month after a suicide attempt too early to go back to work? My mother has been making this push to hospitalize me for a month but she is all about me working too. It is a dictomochy I can't figure out. I can't handle life in her mind but I can handle teaching ninety 7th graders. It makes no sense. So, that will be discussed on Friday in joint therapy.

Anyway, it has been a week. I feel distant from everyone. I went to dinner with a friend and that was great. I have held myself off emotionally from my mother and from my boyfriend this week and it has been hard. The boyfriend is dealing with a death in his family and it has been very traumatic and stressful for him. He doesn't need my stress too.

Hard to believe it is December.

A is pretending to be a zombie.  Again. He is clawing the door and making zombie sounds. He just pretended to bite me. A and I bond over the love of zombies...