January is almost over...

January has been a very hard month. My children have not gone a full week of school since December and we have all had the flu. It has been cold, dark, dank and cold. I love snow but by the third round I was over it. I am done being romantic about snow. I need my children in school. I need to be on a schedule. I need the house to myself for even an hour.

This week it is suppose to snow Wednesday. I would sacrifice a squirrel to prevent this from happening. I would really like warm weather-maybe a hint of spring but apparently mother nature hates me. Or us.

The one thing that has kept me from going insane is this:

And my anti-depressant. I have discovered I need my anti depressant to function even somewhat normally.

I did achieve one goal. I have a date to take my GRE. Now I have to apply for my FASA. I'm waiting for my PIN to be authorized.

I am such a bad blogger

My therapist suggested I find better coping mechanisms then writing. Apparently, writing is too much a fall-back. Of course, this was the therapist that quit me so I am going to ignore her advice.

My goal for this month is to prepare for the GRE, apply for graduate school and apply for my FASA. I am going to graduate school for a graduate degree in religious history. No, I have no clue what I will do with it and it is scary but wonderful. One of my major problems in my first round of college was I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up. Guess what one of my major problems is now? Yep. I am still at a loss. I was always interested in English, religion and history but I did not want to teach, be a minister, or be a lawyer. So, I am going to do it as a quest in knowledge and quit fretting. I have not told anyone-just my mother who was strangely supportive. My father will freak.

I am enjoying being home. Blackjack and I walk about a mile and a half a day. I volunteer, sprodiacally write and think of business ideas. Right now, I have not been alone much since the kids either have snow days or the flu. Tis awful. Very awful.

I will try to write more regularly. I am starting to have panic attacks again and it is making me nervous. I also have accepted that I have really odd sleep patterns and always have. In the morning, I am very sluggish and right now-9:00 at night-I am wide awake and raring to go. I am going to quit fretting about it. It is OK to sleep differently than other people. I am home and I can sleep however I want right now.

If I have never said thank you to you guys, well....thank you. I have gone from wanting to end my life to actually wanting to live it. I can't imagine depriving you guys of my fab presence!

The Hunger Games

I finished The Hunger Games today. The last one, which got some violently bad reviews (but a great one from one of my readers!), really spoke to me. I have never been in war or had to kill anyone but her breakdown was very realistic to me. A human's brain and body can only handle so much. So the thought that she simply shut down and was numb for much of the book really spoke to me.

Today, I felt like a deflated balloon. Therapy yesterday took a lot out of me. She hit some sore spots and I spent some of the session crying. Today, I watched TV then I watched the snow then I watched Blackjack play with his ducky. I spent the majority of the day numb to the world. Taking out Blackjack was the most contact I had with the outside world and I really enjoyed it.

My therapist says I am very alone and guarded. I keep myself isolated as a protective measure. I know I do not have many friends and I do not go out very much. I do think the relationships I have outside my family are deep and strong and emotional. I do not have many because friendships are hard work and I don't need many friends. The ones I have, though, are wonderful.

I don't like to think I am alone, though. What is alone? I connect to people every day--children and life force those things. Do people talk to their friends every day? Do they go out every weekend? Or do we keep ourselves from isolation through our family units and work (and facebook?) I don't know. I believe I should have asked for clarity. It has bothered me. I don't like to think I am a hermit like the unabomber--soon to be hairy and living in a 300 square foor cabin. I won't survive. I also like to think I am friendly and in the world. Maybe, realistically, I am not.

While I related The Hunger Games triology back to me, I will say it is a really great book. It is realistic (in a sci-fi way), powerful and gut-wrenching. I love that it starts out as a romance and quickly becomes a fight for survival-survival of a society and survival of self. Romance no longer matters. Feelings become squashed through trauma. People die. Decisions have to be made. Loss becomes a way of life. The direction it took was totally a surprise and completely understandable after thinking about it for a couple of hours. This triology will stick with me.

Read it.

It's 2011, bitches

I know this year will be better. If it is not, I just might kill myself. Kidding but too soon, I'm sure. Let's see, this year will be better if:
1. I don't get my passport taken away in a foreign country
2. I don't have a suicide attempt
3. We don't have a flood
4. I don't break my foot
5. I don't go to a mental hospital

I think those goals are doable. Well, the flood is beyond my control.

It is certainly starting out fairly good. We have a new adorable puppy named Blackjack. He is so cute and he was the hit of Pet Smart today. I had an employee say he was the best behaved puppy she had ever seen and asked how I taught him to sit when he gets petted. I acted like I did but he just does it naturally.

He has been helping the household immeasurably. Mom has fallen in love and walks him quite a lot. Zak comes out of his room to play with him and Alex runs with him (actually, he is herded by the puppy). I take him out to play ball and walk and potty. He is making me go outside and exercise which is great. 

He is an minature Australian Sheperd so he is a ball of energy. Good thing the boys are balls of energy. We wore him out today and he fell asleep in the car today. I am going to put him in agility training when he gets older so we can release some of that energy. It will also give me something to learn and meet new people. Of course, now he is chewing the keyboard and trying to catch my hand so I am not bragging on him anymore.

I am now a professional therapy patient. I am greatly loved because my mother and my boyfriend (I realize calling him The Boyfriend sets up distance from him) because they have agreed to go to therapy with me. So, I go once a week to a professional pyschologist, once a week to a church therapist, once a week with my boyfriend and once a week with my mother. The pyschologist also wants to see the kids and I together. Who has time to work? I have gone from never talking about my feelings to talking about my feelings all the damn time. I need to start creating family members to talk about because the therapists are going to get bored of mine!

Here is my New Year's prediction: Since birds are falling out of the sky and fish are dying, I predict zombies are next. Blackjack will save the boys and I! My boyfriend already told me that I live on the wrong side of the city to save. That's OK. We can save ourselves.