Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Quick update
The therapist quitting did cause more panic than I thought. I have a new one, though! I actually went to her in the past so I am quite relieved.
I also had a strange, strange interview today. More later when on computer not the Ipad!
I also had a strange, strange interview today. More later when on computer not the Ipad!
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
December is the cruelest month...
Not really but it is a hard month-Christmas dealing with family, the loss of my husband on the 27th, the dealing with family issues over stressful holidays and the damn cold weather. I am not a cold weather person. My answer to cold is to lay in the bed under covers and watch my cat sleep, watch 24, read or sleep. I become very hermity. Of course, in the summer, I lay on a lounge chair by the pool and read so really same difference.
My mood is much more level. I have started taking my antidepressant at 5:30 instead of 9:00 and it is making a huge difference. I am not sure why but I am not quite as tired. I have not had any panic attacks, crying or suicidal thoughts. All good. I still have a certain amount of lethagry but it has been only about six weeks since the attempt and since I got back from my misadventures over seas. It might just take some time.
I have still been going to therapy with my mother and it has been fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. It is like I thought I was in this certain landscape my whole life and I realize I was actually in a different one. I have resentment and anger and hurt more than I ever knew and I also have learned my childhood was not the way I thought it was. My social worker at the hospital said I had to have been abused somewhere in my past and it really scared me. I have never been physically abused. Never sexually abused that I remember but I do feel I was emotionally abused.
I have discovered that both of my parents were emotionally unavailable. When I tell people my parents are divorced, they kinda wince and say "Lots of fighting, huh?" Actually no. My parents never fought. We were a household of ice and silence. Feelings were not allowed. Anger was definitely not allowed. My parents just froze each other out and also, by extension, my sister and I. Even now, when I get angry or one of the kids gets mad, my mother leaves the room. She simply can not handle it.
I was reading a website this evening about emotional abuse: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Minimizing and it has been fascinating. I match many of the characteristics of adults of emotionally abused and I feel absurdly guilty already. Emotional abuse is nothing. I have never been molested or hit. I didn't have parents that drank or did drugs in front of us. I am luckier than many but....I did have parents that could not handle emotion. They could not handle love or personal interactions.
One of things they talk about is denial. With my father, there is no real discussion. He just ices out anything he doesn't want to hear. He shuts you down and that is that. With my mother, though, she says horribly cruel things and then denies she says it. I always thought I was going mad as a child. She would just say things and then deny she ever said it or I took it wrong. When I was pregnant with my second child, she said, "I can't believe how selfish you are-to bring a child in this world when his father is going to die!" Yet, she denies she ever said it. It is so. Well, I am wordless. Imagine being a child and thinking you might be going insane because your mother denies her own statements.
I finally talked to my sister about it and she admitted that she felt the same way. She finally has just stopped Mom about some things because Mom would never admit to her part in the discussions. I don't know why it took so long for us to even talk about it but it so freeing to know it was not just me.
So, finally as an adult, I am starting to realize none of my feelings of personal rejection were valid. I was being rejected because they simply could not do better. They couldn't give me what I needed and, as an adult, I no longer have to take that rejection personally. I can look at it objectively and free myself from that scared 8 year old that needed to know why no one talked about anything in the house. I can free myself from the child that couldn't understand why her parents weren't like other parents or wasn't allowed to express herself. I can free myself from the anger and confusion and sadness I felt when I realized our family was different but couldn't quite figure out why. I am not like my parents. I am doing a better job parenting emotionally than them (I am sure my mother would disagree). I am no longer a scared, frightened, confused child.
Our joint therapist has said my mother is very limited. My other therapist said she will never change but she is manipulative and emotionally cold. My job is to accept that. I am not sure why I was in such angst about it. I think it is because I thought she was rejecting me but it might be that I was changing and she was staying the same. She wasn't rejecting me. I was rejecting her way of interacting with me. I need more. I don't want to relive my childhood and I honestly feel like I am living with her. I have retrained myself not to look for her approval or worry about her moods or accept her criticisms as valid. It is so difficult and so hard. I sometimes feel like my eight year old self wanting to cry out, "Just tell me what is going on? Why don't you love me?" My task is accept the eight year old self but move on. Talk to her like an adult and realize she simply can't love me the way I want. It is not my fault but hers. Totally hers.
It is really hard to write that sentence. My mother is suppose to love unconditionally and deeply. When your own mother can't love you like that, then it has to be you right? No. It has to be her.
She told me she felt I was being possessed by Satan or at least hounded by demons. This is not the first time she has said this to me. It is weird because we are Methodist. We don't even believe in Satan! OK. I'll stop trying to use humor to deflect. I didn't even get mad. I just snickered quietly to myself. She would rather me be possessed by Satan than admit there might be actual mental problems with me-some stemming from childhood. She wants to cure me-exorcise my demons-but not have it be messy with feelings and emotions. And you know what? My heart aches for her. What is a world where you repress your feelings to the point that your child is suffering and you still can't reach out? How bleak and scary is that world? Desolate and frightening? I really can not imagine and I am so glad I can not. I feel. I feel too much sometimes but thank God I do have feelings and express them. I am sad today. Yesterday, I was content. Tomorrow, I will be frustrated Christmas shopping. My mother could never admit any of the previous three sentences.
I will talk more at length about this but my therapist quit today. It is so frustrating. Damn frustrating. I am going to try to go back to a former therapist but I already miss her.
My mood is much more level. I have started taking my antidepressant at 5:30 instead of 9:00 and it is making a huge difference. I am not sure why but I am not quite as tired. I have not had any panic attacks, crying or suicidal thoughts. All good. I still have a certain amount of lethagry but it has been only about six weeks since the attempt and since I got back from my misadventures over seas. It might just take some time.
I have still been going to therapy with my mother and it has been fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. It is like I thought I was in this certain landscape my whole life and I realize I was actually in a different one. I have resentment and anger and hurt more than I ever knew and I also have learned my childhood was not the way I thought it was. My social worker at the hospital said I had to have been abused somewhere in my past and it really scared me. I have never been physically abused. Never sexually abused that I remember but I do feel I was emotionally abused.
I have discovered that both of my parents were emotionally unavailable. When I tell people my parents are divorced, they kinda wince and say "Lots of fighting, huh?" Actually no. My parents never fought. We were a household of ice and silence. Feelings were not allowed. Anger was definitely not allowed. My parents just froze each other out and also, by extension, my sister and I. Even now, when I get angry or one of the kids gets mad, my mother leaves the room. She simply can not handle it.
I was reading a website this evening about emotional abuse: http://eqi.org/eabuse1.htm#Minimizing and it has been fascinating. I match many of the characteristics of adults of emotionally abused and I feel absurdly guilty already. Emotional abuse is nothing. I have never been molested or hit. I didn't have parents that drank or did drugs in front of us. I am luckier than many but....I did have parents that could not handle emotion. They could not handle love or personal interactions.
One of things they talk about is denial. With my father, there is no real discussion. He just ices out anything he doesn't want to hear. He shuts you down and that is that. With my mother, though, she says horribly cruel things and then denies she says it. I always thought I was going mad as a child. She would just say things and then deny she ever said it or I took it wrong. When I was pregnant with my second child, she said, "I can't believe how selfish you are-to bring a child in this world when his father is going to die!" Yet, she denies she ever said it. It is so. Well, I am wordless. Imagine being a child and thinking you might be going insane because your mother denies her own statements.
I finally talked to my sister about it and she admitted that she felt the same way. She finally has just stopped Mom about some things because Mom would never admit to her part in the discussions. I don't know why it took so long for us to even talk about it but it so freeing to know it was not just me.
So, finally as an adult, I am starting to realize none of my feelings of personal rejection were valid. I was being rejected because they simply could not do better. They couldn't give me what I needed and, as an adult, I no longer have to take that rejection personally. I can look at it objectively and free myself from that scared 8 year old that needed to know why no one talked about anything in the house. I can free myself from the child that couldn't understand why her parents weren't like other parents or wasn't allowed to express herself. I can free myself from the anger and confusion and sadness I felt when I realized our family was different but couldn't quite figure out why. I am not like my parents. I am doing a better job parenting emotionally than them (I am sure my mother would disagree). I am no longer a scared, frightened, confused child.
Our joint therapist has said my mother is very limited. My other therapist said she will never change but she is manipulative and emotionally cold. My job is to accept that. I am not sure why I was in such angst about it. I think it is because I thought she was rejecting me but it might be that I was changing and she was staying the same. She wasn't rejecting me. I was rejecting her way of interacting with me. I need more. I don't want to relive my childhood and I honestly feel like I am living with her. I have retrained myself not to look for her approval or worry about her moods or accept her criticisms as valid. It is so difficult and so hard. I sometimes feel like my eight year old self wanting to cry out, "Just tell me what is going on? Why don't you love me?" My task is accept the eight year old self but move on. Talk to her like an adult and realize she simply can't love me the way I want. It is not my fault but hers. Totally hers.
It is really hard to write that sentence. My mother is suppose to love unconditionally and deeply. When your own mother can't love you like that, then it has to be you right? No. It has to be her.
She told me she felt I was being possessed by Satan or at least hounded by demons. This is not the first time she has said this to me. It is weird because we are Methodist. We don't even believe in Satan! OK. I'll stop trying to use humor to deflect. I didn't even get mad. I just snickered quietly to myself. She would rather me be possessed by Satan than admit there might be actual mental problems with me-some stemming from childhood. She wants to cure me-exorcise my demons-but not have it be messy with feelings and emotions. And you know what? My heart aches for her. What is a world where you repress your feelings to the point that your child is suffering and you still can't reach out? How bleak and scary is that world? Desolate and frightening? I really can not imagine and I am so glad I can not. I feel. I feel too much sometimes but thank God I do have feelings and express them. I am sad today. Yesterday, I was content. Tomorrow, I will be frustrated Christmas shopping. My mother could never admit any of the previous three sentences.
I will talk more at length about this but my therapist quit today. It is so frustrating. Damn frustrating. I am going to try to go back to a former therapist but I already miss her.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Decisions, decisions...
I was just checking stats on the blog and noticed I had readers in Malaysia, Canada, UK and Australia. I thought it was strange and it was because of the image of the reindeer cake I had on the blog. So, I have been doing some editing. I took out the image and also did some editing with the kids names and locations. Hopefully, that makes it less personal. Who knew one image could have my blog be in Google so easily? Live and learn.
I am thinking about getting a minature Australian shepard. I found a reputable breeder in Clarksville and they have three male puppies left. I talked to Mom about it and she is totally against it. Totally. The vet bills will be too much, the house is too chaotic already, the kids don't need it and puppies are hard work. It is one of my coping mechanisms and I don't need a puppy. I think it would be good because we can't go anywhere for Christmas, it has been a hard year, Alex lost Tess (I gave Tess, our dog, to Camie because we moved to the UAE) and it will give me a reason to go outside and walk. Plus, I just want something for myself and the boys. I really don't think it effects Mom that much since she does not have to take care of it. I did discuss it, though, as a courtesy.
So, I don't know.
I am thinking about getting a minature Australian shepard. I found a reputable breeder in Clarksville and they have three male puppies left. I talked to Mom about it and she is totally against it. Totally. The vet bills will be too much, the house is too chaotic already, the kids don't need it and puppies are hard work. It is one of my coping mechanisms and I don't need a puppy. I think it would be good because we can't go anywhere for Christmas, it has been a hard year, Alex lost Tess (I gave Tess, our dog, to Camie because we moved to the UAE) and it will give me a reason to go outside and walk. Plus, I just want something for myself and the boys. I really don't think it effects Mom that much since she does not have to take care of it. I did discuss it, though, as a courtesy.
So, I don't know.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Today, Dec. 7th
I believe I am a 24 addict. I am now on Season 7 and it is so good and intense. I stay up until 2 or so watching it then I am so tired the next morning. It doesn't help my sleep but, at least, I am not up worrying about me. I am worrying about Jack Bauer.
I talked to one of my old therapists tonight. It was really nice she called me. I had called her before the suicide attempt trying to reach out for help but she was moving. I had worked with her intensely for two years and really liked her but then she moved practices. I told her what had happened and explained my medication and my exhaustion. She said the meds might be causing the exhaustion and that she did not agree with the borderline personality disorder or the bipolar diagnosis either. She felt my main problems were anxiety and unresolved grief. Since this is what my new therapist believes, I feel I am on the right track.
I have an appt in two weeks to discuss my meds. I am so tired of being exhausted all the time. It is not like a tired you can push through but a I can barely keep my eyes open exhaustion. Like bone-tired haven't slept in two days exhaustion. It is a side effect of depression to sleep alot but this is a new one. I was actually sleeping great before the suicide attempt which is weird.
Anyway, I am freezing, cold and sniffly. I hate this weather. I was hoping to go somewhere warm for Christmas but no such luck. I'll settle with going somewhere at this point. I just don't want to deal with the stress of dealing with my family. Did you hear that voice just now? That was my therapist saying "You are running away, Kristi." Yep and it's self-preservation. Christmas is insane. I have to do Christmas with Mom, Christmas with my aunt, Christmas with my father-in-law, Christams with my Mother-in-law and Christmas with the whole Galligan family. It is way too much Christmas and I feel powerless to put my foot down with the in-laws. They deserve to see the grandkids but it is me running around like a headless chicken trying to please everyone. So, I just want out. It is like the mafia, though. You think you have set a boundary then one of the in-laws says, "They are my last memory of Devin" and I am sucked right back in.
There's a therapy discussion. Totally.
I talked to one of my old therapists tonight. It was really nice she called me. I had called her before the suicide attempt trying to reach out for help but she was moving. I had worked with her intensely for two years and really liked her but then she moved practices. I told her what had happened and explained my medication and my exhaustion. She said the meds might be causing the exhaustion and that she did not agree with the borderline personality disorder or the bipolar diagnosis either. She felt my main problems were anxiety and unresolved grief. Since this is what my new therapist believes, I feel I am on the right track.
I have an appt in two weeks to discuss my meds. I am so tired of being exhausted all the time. It is not like a tired you can push through but a I can barely keep my eyes open exhaustion. Like bone-tired haven't slept in two days exhaustion. It is a side effect of depression to sleep alot but this is a new one. I was actually sleeping great before the suicide attempt which is weird.
Anyway, I am freezing, cold and sniffly. I hate this weather. I was hoping to go somewhere warm for Christmas but no such luck. I'll settle with going somewhere at this point. I just don't want to deal with the stress of dealing with my family. Did you hear that voice just now? That was my therapist saying "You are running away, Kristi." Yep and it's self-preservation. Christmas is insane. I have to do Christmas with Mom, Christmas with my aunt, Christmas with my father-in-law, Christams with my Mother-in-law and Christmas with the whole Galligan family. It is way too much Christmas and I feel powerless to put my foot down with the in-laws. They deserve to see the grandkids but it is me running around like a headless chicken trying to please everyone. So, I just want out. It is like the mafia, though. You think you have set a boundary then one of the in-laws says, "They are my last memory of Devin" and I am sucked right back in.
There's a therapy discussion. Totally.
Monday, December 6, 2010
This week..Dec. 6th
I had an emotional discussion with my mother at our therapy session. The bottom line is that she can't talk about her feelings and she can't support me the way I need to be supported. She feels it is my problem to deal with and she doesn't want to wake up at 2 AM to talk to me when I am stressed out. Now, if this was repeated to her, she would say that I totally misunderstood her and take everything out of context. Thank God for the therapy session so I don't think I am insane.
This was on Friday. She still has not talked to me about it since I told her I simply can't live with her and recover from this deep depression. It is a toxic living arrangement and I can't keep worrying about her mood and her feelings on top of mine. The easy solution is to not worry about her. Right. I have spent 35 years reading her moods. I don't know how to stop.
I did go on a job interview. I have not heard anything. I am really relieved. I don't know if I am ready but I do have goals and plans which is more than I had in October. I am starting to feel more focused and more in tune with the world.
I am sleeping all the time. Major sign of depression. I literally have to fight to stay awake and I don't like it one bit. Last night I was up until 2 AM and woke up at 5 AM then again at 7: 30 to take the kids to school. I fell asleep again at 9 and slept until 11. It is killing me. I just want one night of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep and I don't know if I ever will get it.
So, things are progressing. I am no longer suicidal but still anxiety-ridden and depressed. That is good. I feel bad for A because he worries like me. I have to address that with his therapist. I hate to see him tie himself in knots like I do. But, he does talk to me about it. Progress.
This was on Friday. She still has not talked to me about it since I told her I simply can't live with her and recover from this deep depression. It is a toxic living arrangement and I can't keep worrying about her mood and her feelings on top of mine. The easy solution is to not worry about her. Right. I have spent 35 years reading her moods. I don't know how to stop.
I did go on a job interview. I have not heard anything. I am really relieved. I don't know if I am ready but I do have goals and plans which is more than I had in October. I am starting to feel more focused and more in tune with the world.
I am sleeping all the time. Major sign of depression. I literally have to fight to stay awake and I don't like it one bit. Last night I was up until 2 AM and woke up at 5 AM then again at 7: 30 to take the kids to school. I fell asleep again at 9 and slept until 11. It is killing me. I just want one night of uninterrupted, dreamless sleep and I don't know if I ever will get it.
So, things are progressing. I am no longer suicidal but still anxiety-ridden and depressed. That is good. I feel bad for A because he worries like me. I have to address that with his therapist. I hate to see him tie himself in knots like I do. But, he does talk to me about it. Progress.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Panic Attacks
I am starting to see a trend in my panic attacks. I have them at night. I am in the middle of a slight one right now. I guess I start thinking about my day and the next day and it gets me all riled up and there you go. Panic attack. I probably need to buy some reflective gear and start running. The therapist said I have to start talking to people or running to make sure I cope better. No writing. Of course, what am I doing right now? Writing.
I am going to the therapist tomorrow. Banner week for me-four therapy appointments but I have had a level mood this week. I have also felt more able to cope. We are going to discuss the job situation. I really don't know if I am ready. I feel our family is quick to push down emotions and lose ourselves in something else. Is working my way of pushing down emotions? Will it cause me more anxiety? Or will it give me some direction and help me rebuild my life.
I really wanted my life to change when I came back from the UAE. I have felt that it hasn't. Even the suicide attempt did not really change it. I am dating the same person, living in the same place and working the same job. On the other hand, though, my father and I have a deeper relationship. We also talk more. I am starting to draw boundaries. I am working on the living situation and I will be changing to middle school if I decide to take the interim. I also have plans to return to school and try to get out of the classroom and more into a support role. So, things are changing but slowly.
I have not heard from the job yet and part of me is very relieved. I was up all night worrying about it. Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? Is one month after a suicide attempt too early to go back to work? My mother has been making this push to hospitalize me for a month but she is all about me working too. It is a dictomochy I can't figure out. I can't handle life in her mind but I can handle teaching ninety 7th graders. It makes no sense. So, that will be discussed on Friday in joint therapy.
Anyway, it has been a week. I feel distant from everyone. I went to dinner with a friend and that was great. I have held myself off emotionally from my mother and from my boyfriend this week and it has been hard. The boyfriend is dealing with a death in his family and it has been very traumatic and stressful for him. He doesn't need my stress too.
Hard to believe it is December.
A is pretending to be a zombie. Again. He is clawing the door and making zombie sounds. He just pretended to bite me. A and I bond over the love of zombies...
I am going to the therapist tomorrow. Banner week for me-four therapy appointments but I have had a level mood this week. I have also felt more able to cope. We are going to discuss the job situation. I really don't know if I am ready. I feel our family is quick to push down emotions and lose ourselves in something else. Is working my way of pushing down emotions? Will it cause me more anxiety? Or will it give me some direction and help me rebuild my life.
I really wanted my life to change when I came back from the UAE. I have felt that it hasn't. Even the suicide attempt did not really change it. I am dating the same person, living in the same place and working the same job. On the other hand, though, my father and I have a deeper relationship. We also talk more. I am starting to draw boundaries. I am working on the living situation and I will be changing to middle school if I decide to take the interim. I also have plans to return to school and try to get out of the classroom and more into a support role. So, things are changing but slowly.
I have not heard from the job yet and part of me is very relieved. I was up all night worrying about it. Am I ready? Will I ever be ready? Is one month after a suicide attempt too early to go back to work? My mother has been making this push to hospitalize me for a month but she is all about me working too. It is a dictomochy I can't figure out. I can't handle life in her mind but I can handle teaching ninety 7th graders. It makes no sense. So, that will be discussed on Friday in joint therapy.
Anyway, it has been a week. I feel distant from everyone. I went to dinner with a friend and that was great. I have held myself off emotionally from my mother and from my boyfriend this week and it has been hard. The boyfriend is dealing with a death in his family and it has been very traumatic and stressful for him. He doesn't need my stress too.
Hard to believe it is December.
A is pretending to be a zombie. Again. He is clawing the door and making zombie sounds. He just pretended to bite me. A and I bond over the love of zombies...
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